What if I got it all wrong?

Being a twice-over married woman from a previous broken marriage, did I honor God in my decision to divorce my first spouse? Did I honor Jesus in my decision to remarry? I’m going to do my best to unfold a bit of my journey here, so buckle up for a wild ride! (Clearly this is Jacqui speaking)

After everything I’ve been through, it is almost humorous to recall the memory of me sharing one of my many life testimonies with a lovely group of about sixty or seventy women. My husband at the time and I had been through it ya’ll. Like, IT. Anything you can fit in there, that’s it. We went through it. And I was there to be used by God to help all these women see God through all the sucky suck, fight on in His strength, and for His glory keep their families united and save marriages. Sounds pretty awesome, right? I declared – quite possibly in hope deranged, but innocently and well intentioned – that I will never seek out a divorce for the sake of God’s kingdom.

That same exact week, I had considered divorce for the first time in the longevity of my marriage. Even when going through all the multiple layers and events of “IT” mentioned up there, never was divorce a thought. It was recommended to me by one or two people, but never considered once.

Why would I have? Apparently I needed to be humbled way more. I still hadn’t learned. I knew most of the biblical references on marriage and divorce, but I still didn’t see it. 

Jesus came and abolished most of our perspectives on His Word and law

Jesus posed a threat to every single religious leader and authoritative figure in the time He lived. From birth to last breath, He had a “target sandwich” placed on His back where rulers wanted His life taken from Him. As we read the New Testament, it is clear that everything He did radically threatened their comfortable culture and provoked people to question their authority.

Religious leaders focused so much on the letter of the Law – which by all means is great to live by – that they had completely overridden the care of the individual person on a daily basis.

Being the God who would leave the ninety nine sheep to find the one and bring it back to safety (and dare we say on a Sabbath, mind you!), Pharisees and Sadducees were absolutely disgusted with the concept of  this rebellious, law breaking citizen getting into the hearts and minds of the people of their cities. 

Jesus was bashing everything. Uprooting their sales in temples. “Snatching” followers of the religious Law, giving lowly people value and even empowering women! 

And He did it in such a way that they could not even accuse Him of breaking the law. Jesus lived for the glory of His Father in heaven. He loved on these people of all ranks. The lowly, the middle class, the wealthy. He loved them all perfectly.

Is it Possible that there is More Behind the Letter of the Law?

In all the unraveling of His conversations with the religious leaders, Jesus cut to the heart of the matter. He saw behind the words spoken by these people and addressed the core issue of their motives. 

The core issue of our motives.

What is the core issue of my motive, even in writing this? Am I writing this to be heard? To receive praise? To put down others? To exalt Jesus? To help the readers understand the heart of God?

I’d like to think it’s the latter. Not only that, I legitimately do think it’s the latter. However, I am the cap of my extent of knowledge and wisdom based on my experience. God sees something much deeper, much bigger. 

Behind the letter of the Law in Scripture is depth. Context. Intent. Culture. I could have sworn I knew the things. I couldn’t have been more incorrect. How embarrassing! 

So…the divorce?

Let me preface this section properly: God’s Word is God’s Word and I in no way, shape or form condone twisting Scripture to fit one’s needs. Even people who know me well might mistake this section for doing so. This is not what I do, and never do I stand behind that.

When a woman finds herself in a situation of abuse, what is she to do? When her children are in submission to the authority of an abusive spouse via the decisions of the mom keeping them there, what is she to do? According to New Testament Scripture, many conclude and counsel that the only acceptable ground for divorce “with God’s blessing” (not really, but sure) would be (1) Adultery and (2) Abandonment.

I’ve seen many families torn apart holding to the letter of the law here. I think the motives may have been good, maybe even falling on these seemingly biblical standards. God really is the only Judge of that; who sees the intent and motivation of the heart that we cannot ever see. I’ve seen women counseled to stay in abusive homes by pastors clinging to these Scriptures. Men chasing after their adulterer who was no longer wanting any involvement with her husband. People fight for their manipulator, martyring him or herself for the reluctant spouse instead of for Jesus.

When these standards were written, the culture was so immensely different from what we have now. Women barely had a voice. Children were punished very harshly for disobedience. Had someone partaken in drug abuse, or really abuse of any nature, it would be unspeakable that he or she would still be alive – let alone, married to a wholesome person of good character. The corporal punishment of breaking Jewish Law/Tradition was far worse than we will ever experience. 

Now it is probable that countless unsafe people snuck under the radar, as many do now. Sight unseen, wolves in sheep’s clothing devouring their spouses in the silence and darkness of their home, then raising hands in church (or Temple at that time) to blend in with the children of God.

Now when we read “adultery” we typically conclude “spouse cheating on his or her wife/husband.” Likewise, may read “abandonment” and interpret it to mean “spouse has physically left the other spouse.”

After reading the New Testament with every bias I could possibly put aside – just reading and trying to understand from ground zero what God is saying – I can say in full confidence that Jesus abolished every letter of every Law. He even said He was (and is) the Law’s FULFILLMENT. We watched Him compare hatred to murder and bring them to equal grounds in light of the vision of the Father. We saw lust equated with the physical act of sexual immorality. We saw the Sabbath law broken to save the life of an animal.

Does He have to take our hand and list out, verbatim, every single example of exceptions to law He made for the sake of the safety of the soul? We use common sense to piece together that the Letter of the Law is not the end of our standard. 

Is is possible that “adultery” can extend beyond the physical act of sleeping with another human, and can be the habitual act of secret pornography addiction that elevates the priority of this secret over one’s family at all costs? Honestly, I really don’t know. I cannot in full confidence say it’s the same in God’s eyes, but I can in full confidence say, “I don’t know, it’s possible, and I understand if this tragic sin has devastated a spouse and his or her family to the point of divorce.”

Is it possible that “abandonment” can extend beyond the picture of a spouse up and leaving his or her home without a trace, and can look like an abuser beating his wife and children into submission, neglecting their every need for food, shelter and safety? Can it look like an addict stealing and spending all their hard earned money on more drugs, alcohol and whatever else instead the next thrill is instead of joyfully providing for their family? I will not give a definitive yes, but I do in full confidence conclude, based on the heart of God displayed throughout all of Scripture and Christ’s interactions with religious leaders, that this does seem to be a devastation caused by abandonment. I have no desire or place to lord my self-given authority over those who have ended a marriage to protect themselves and their children, if present.

Here is my conclusion:

“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.” – Ecclesiastes 5:2

God knows all the things. God sees all the things. God uses all the things. God restores what He restores, and He lets things fall to the wayside if He wishes to let things fall to the wayside. 

For me personally, I read these verses (with context in mind, of course), and can resolve that God knows everything and I simply do not. This is not a command to simply be quiet. When I read this, I see this as a posture before God and man – out of reverence for this holy God who knows all and loves all, my opinions and judgments pale in comparison. I am to point others to Him. I am to be a reflection of Christ to others. 

I know God sees my circumstances, and I do believe I have worshiped Him faithfully with eyes wide open every step of the way. I have lifted weary hands to Him. I have lifted joyful hands to Him. All the hands, He got them! I may have resorted to measures I even questioned, but they were all in prayer and fasting, reverence and with counsel. I have held it all up to the lens of His Word.

I believe I have stayed in the confines of Scripture, however there are many who can quote Scripture, fully convinced that I have made awful choices. I can say, however, it is much more freeing to embrace the full context of Scripture.

He is God in heaven, and I am here on earth. I will let my words be few. I won’t utter quickly that I have the answers anymore, because there is a lot more to God’s Word and real life issues than I realized when I first got saved. I will always do my best to very openly and sincerely point people to His Word, however I will not be so quick to give ultimatums and call shots of right and wrong like I used to.

Life just isn’t that simple.

I pray this blesses you, and helps soften hearts so we can make room to love others as God does. Love you all <3