I hope all of you coming across this blog post are doing well in the midst of life on earth, entangled with our hearts longing for our heavenly home, true unconditional love and peace. We all want calm. Quiet of mind.
I am with you friends, and I truly hope that in this blog post you can find peace in God’s Word used to display my personal journey of faith in Christ. My hope is to show you that no matter the measure of faith you may think (or not think) you have, it’s all – ALL – about Jesus. Release your burdens. Relieve yourself of the faith pressure you put on yourself, because just the smallest remnant is all you need.
This man of ‘small faith’ saved his son’s life
17 And someone from the crowd answered him, “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. 18 And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.” 19 And He answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.” 20 And they brought the boy to Him. And when the spirit saw Him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth.
21 And Jesus asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. 22 And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” 23 And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.”
24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” 25 And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” 26 And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, “He is dead.” 27 But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose.
Mark 9:17-27
“I believe, help my unbelief!” Guys, these words resonated so deeply within me the first time I came upon them. How raw and real is this exclamation? So many times, I wonder if my faith is too weak? Is it not enough? Is it just right? How many times, if we really think about it, have we battled internally with whether or not we believe Jesus will do the thing? Do we believe He’s capable? Do we believe He’s willing? There’s so much complexity to it that my mind can go crazy. But these words address it all. Here’s how I see it.
“Oh Lord, I know You are capable and able. I am not confident You are willing. Sometimes I’m unsure whether what I’m asking is right or wrong. You are ultimately in control and I trust You with the outcome while knowing my intentions are to honor You. I believe, Jesus, help me in my unbelief! See past it and do what honors Your name in my life most in this situation!”
My faith in God never guaranteed me or my family being spared the pain that comes with free will.
Just over the summer, my oldest daughter Jaelle had a terrible freak incident that led her to the ER, then onto a mobile trauma unit, then into a specialized children’s hospital an hour from our home. I have seen and endured many things people by the age of 80 will have seen, traumas accumulated like the world’s greatest Pokemon card collection (I know, dramatic much? *jazz hands*). I have bartered with God once, and by that, I really mean I made a feeble attempt to save my twin babies from a miscarriage. I had already given full surrender of my life to God twenty years prior to my bargain, but hey, gotta shoot your shot right? My sweet twins were worth everything, even a last resort, “I’ll do anything you say, God, please just save my babies.” Spoiler alert: my twin babies are in heaven, and I cannot wait to meet them. Another blog post for another time, but how my heart longs to hold them.
I knew in this incident with Jaelle, the fate of her life was in the palm of God’s hands. As we found out she struck an optic nerve and was looking at the possibility of traumatic brain injury, vision loss and multiple cosmetic surgeries, my body started to black out. I tried to grasp for my husband to keep myself upright.
In the face of multiple losses, grievances, food stamps, physical ailments, betrayals by loved ones, affairs, sexual and physical abuse, pastoral bullying and more – I do not question God. I do not question His character. I DO, however, understand that my “measure of faith” in someone or something to change does not allow me entitlement for God to act as I believe or pray.
When we started hearing about the ailments Jaelle could possibly endure, I knew fully well Who was in control. My faith was not in the doctors healing my baby. My faith was not in God to do what I wanted Him to do, knowing fully well He could. My faith was in God, who is fully able to save my baby. My faith was in God who might see fit to take her home in heaven with my twin babies, and somehow this would be glorifying to Him in the end (a journey I will forever be grateful to God I was spared). My faith was in God who allows things to happen that I have begged Him to keep from happening. My faith was in God, who never lies, never disappoints. My God who has used every ounce of my pain for His glory. Ultimately, all of it has led to greater gain in my life.
28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good [some manuscripts read “God works in all things for the good], for those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
In all of my scars and battle wounds, God has worked in it all. Was He the cause of it? No. Did He allow it? Yes (we have free will, and our God is a gentleman). Did He one up my life and work in my pain for the greater good? Always, a resounding, loud YES.
If Jesus did – and does – it all, isn’t the pressure off of me as long as I believe in Him to do what is best?
If Jesus truly did it all, and ultimately has the final say, where on earth do we get the idea that our grand measure faith versus one’s small measure will be the guaranteeing factor for what we want to come about our way?
I had faith my first marriage would be healed. I worked hard at it! I learned the exhausting, hard, painful way that my faith in God would work through all the heartbreak of this marriage to show Himself victorious in me, for His glory, and thus resulting in my joy and freedom in Christ.
My faith shifted drastically after this revelation. My faith didn’t guarantee my husband would want to be with me. My faith wasn’t a ticket to ask God for all these things I deemed as good, be entitled over it, and then throw a tantrum when I find out this wasn’t what would happen.
So…where does our faith rest?
I hear people pray those bold prayers of faith, casting out demons, binding oppression, calling illness forward to be burned in the metaphorical fire (aka: healing). I’m not dogging on these prayers, people. Keep praying. Just be sure your faith is in God and His glory, not your bold prayers.
The passage I inserted from Mark 9 is where I find myself often. After all I’ve been through and still find myself going through, I don’t always have faith that God will do “this or that miracle” in my life. However, I ALWAYS trust in God to honor my heart’s desire of pointing everyone to Him that I encounter. That looks different in everyone’s lives.
For me, I had the fortunate blessing of God doing something truly miraculous in my baby girl at the hospital. Once my husband took our youngest home to try and catch some sleep, he posted our situation on Facebook and asked for prayer around 2 am. Quite “randomly”, several people woke up around that hour and started praying for Jaelle. It turned into hundreds of people. Within one hour of that post, Jaelle was conscious, speaking, and her sight was restored!
I had no doubt in my mind that God could do it. I know Who I ask these things from. However, my faith isn’t in that healing. My faith isn’t in my ability to eloquently word a prayer. My faith is in the One who is capable of doing such things regardless of if He chooses to do so or not. I ask these things boldly, but I don’t think for a second that I am entitled because of faith. I don’t believe that God owes me that healing, that raise or that prosperity. I am actually quite humbled because of the faith I have in my God to use all things for His good in my life. I take seriously my relationship with Him, and will not let expectations of my wishes being granted to ruin it simply because He’s able.
17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
Daniel 3:17-18
I think the large majority of Christians might not like the way this faith looks. It’s not as appealing. It’s not as glamorous. It’s much more humble. Even our amazing homies, Shadrach Meshach and Abednego understood that God is able but still might not do what they boldly asked. And if He didn’t deliver them from the fire, He is still good and they would not to bow to others. We are to understand God alone knows the perfect bigger picture, and how to intertwine our lives with that which brings Him the most glory. How reassuring is this?!
True faith in God doesn’t always look or feel strong.
We are to have faith in God who will allow difficult things to come to pass. He’s not seeking out comfort or ease of life. He is interested in our character development in our individual, unique journeys. He’s interested in whether your heart will remain/turn into one of compassion and love as you extend your hand to others around you in light of your journey. He’s interested in His glory being made known in your life, and this always goes hand in hand with freedom, joy and love in your life anyway.
Now of course, we all have journeys. We all have different measures of faith. I struggled a lot with it when I was new to my journey with Christ. I CLUNG (and still cling) to the words of the father in Mark 9. And truly, I am so grateful that this man existed and was vulnerable with Jesus. “I believe, help my unbelief!” That was enough for Jesus!
Your “measure of faith” needs to be nothing more than even half a cheek of trust in God. A shaky, wobbly, “Are You there? Do You see me?” The size of a mustard seed is enough – and those bad boys are 1-2 millimeters. Crying out in uncertainty “I {choose to} believe, help my unbelief!” can be the greatest display of faith.
Faith doesn’t look like a warrior slaying dragons. That would be skill. That would be heroism. But Jesus did it ALL. All of it! He has the ultimate say, no matter how sure you are of Him.
I’m not sure how to conclude this, but I do hope and pray that this has helped your heart as you read it through. I may not have met you, but you’re here and you are reading from my heart. Thank you so much for your time, and for being a place for my story, experiences and tragedies to carry value and be heard. I love you, God bless you and I pray these words bring to life a new, renewed faith in our good God.
Love Always, Jacqui