So you think you’ve healed from the trauma?

Do you know what I’m talking about? You think everything is going well, and you’ve made progress with all of your issues. Your trauma seems to have been quiet for a while, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, you get slapped across the face like you just mouthed off to your momma.

The trauma came back harder than MJ after his “baseball experiment.” Unfortunately, this causes me to revert to some of my not-so-healthy defense mechanisms. So let’s talk context here.

I have trust issues. There… I said it! Betrayal has been a pretty common theme throughout my life. Lucky me! I’ve seen “friends” literally try to destroy one another, had a front-row seat to church splits, and had a marriage end in the deepest hurt that I’ve ever known.

In light of all of that, I spent some pretty extensive time in a therapist’s office working through my trunk full of baggage. One of the discoveries from my time in counseling was that I also had betrayed myself. My trust issues had run so deep that I wasn’t convinced I could trust anyone, including the guy in the mirror.

To top it all off, I had a ton of doubts about my faith as well. Was the God that I had committed my life to even trustworthy? Keep in mind that I was a pastor for 10 years. So that was a battle that made me feel guilty and even fraudulent. (I’ll talk about that more in another post.)

But we had to start at square one. I had to do the inner work and start building my confidence back. As strange as it sounds, I had to develop a relationship with myself.

Fractured would probably be the best word to describe where I was internally. (The glamorous image in this post is a screenshot from my private therapy vlogs as I was healing.) I had wounds and doubts that I had to work through while trying to convince my head and my heart to get on the same page. Which is far easier said than done.

Fast forward through more therapy sessions, long conversations, and what I can only describe as a one-sided wrestling match with God, and BOOM! I’m all healed up. Right?

I knew that healing was a process, but sometimes I can still feel pretty freaking wounded. On other days I might feel like I haven’t healed at all. So what are some practical things to keep in mind when the hurt feels fresher than a Pentecostal’s fire?

Healing ain’t easy.

It’s been said that anything in life worth doing is hard. Healing through the pain, both past and present, should be a non-negotiable for all of us. If you don’t take those necessary steps and do the hard work of healing, your pain will become your puppetmaster.

As with most battles, it will feel like a tug of war. Momentum will shift from moment to moment. You’ll take two steps forward and get thrown back further than you’d like to admit. There will be seasons where you feel like you’re on the fast track to victory. You’ll have great days followed by demoralizing ones. This ebb and flow is the essence of the healing process.

In these moments remember that the hard work is worth it and give yourself an extra measure of grace. Confidently press forward knowing that this fight has nothing on the trauma that you’ve endured. You can and you will do this, even if it takes a bit longer than expected.

Time travel sucks.

Your first reaction to pain that feels familiar will be to relive it. Your heart rate will probably spike. You’ll feel a little clammy. Your eyes will either dart around the room or drop to the ground. Your chest will likely tighten up as all the emotions tied to that trauma flood your body.

The problem occurs when we can’t break free from that past perspective. We suddenly feel stuck there. We’ve time-traveled with no way back. So what’s happening to us in the present is now being viewed through the lens of the past. Rather than learning from the past, we find ourselves living in it once that pain has been triggered. This makes it infinitely more difficult to handle current situations and relationships properly.

As we heal, we start to become more aware of the moments that are going to send us into the time machine. That awareness allows us to ask the questions which are going to help us stay present instead of time traveling.

Here are a few of my favorites to stay present and sort through the triggers:

This situation makes me feel the same, but is it the same?

This helps you separate the two situations for what they are. The same feeling was triggered, but more often than not, the situations are very different. I view this as my brain’s way of trying to help my heart. Alternatively, it’s the inner adult helping the inner child cope with the situation.

Why does this situation remind me of the past?

This is a perspective check. It helps you know if there is a real and present danger that you should actively address or if it’s scratched something from the past. If it reminds you of that pain because it is a similar situation, then you can take the steps necessary to deal with it or leave it entirely.

Will I be okay no matter what happens?

How far have I come since suffering that wound?

Do I even feel like I’m that same person anymore?

I grouped these three questions together because they all serve a similar purpose. They help remind you of the progress that you’ve made. It’s easy to spiral and forget that all the steps add up, even with the setbacks. If you were strong enough to survive that hurt, then you’re more than strong enough to heal through it.

For many of you, the person in the mirror doesn’t even resemble who you were when the pain was inflicted. You’re now stronger, better equipped, more resilient, more confident, and more prepared for whatever comes your way. And just think, you’re not even “healed” yet. 😉

So let me know in the comments if you’ve been here before. Do you have some tips that you’ve learned through your healing process? Maybe you’re just pumped to know that you’re not alone in that journey. I’d love to chat with you below.